Parents want their teens to have safe, healthy relationships. Learning to recognize the signs of dating violence can help keep them safe.
Research shows that patterns of domestic violence can appear long before marriage. As preteens begin forming more complex and intimate relationships, it’s important to help them understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Healthy Relationships
- Are based on open and honest communication.
- Share power and decision-making equally.
- Treat each partner as an equal, with respect and fairness.
Unhealthy Relationships
- Involve one partner trying to control or dominate the other.
- May include emotional abuse, threats, name-calling, insults, or withholding resources.
- Can escalate to coercion, isolation from friends or family, stalking, violent acts, or physical injury.
- Often involve fear—teens should know they should never feel afraid of a dating partner.
Teaching your teen to recognize these signs early can help them build safe, respectful, and healthy relationships now and in the future.
How to Start the Dialogue
Talking with teens about sensitive topics—such as drugs, alcohol, sex, and healthy relationships can feel challenging. Parents play a key role in creating an environment where teens feel safe and supported. Here are five steps to encourage open conversation:
- Keep an Open Environment
Be available to listen. Give your teen opportunities to start conversations, and avoid criticism or judgment, which can cause them to withdraw.
Give Your Undivided Attention
When your teen talks, focus fully on the conversation. Show that you value their thoughts and feelings.
Take the Lead on Important Topics
Some topics are difficult for teens to bring up. Be willing to start the conversation—it shows that you care and are ready to guide them.
Connect on Their Level
Use examples from TV, movies, or your own experiences to help your teen relate and feel understood.
Talk Often
Frequent conversations reinforce your values, show interest in your teen’s life, and strengthen trust.
Encourage Trusted Adults
Don’t be upset if your teen feels more comfortable talking with an aunt, uncle, family friend, or teacher. What matters most is that they have someone they can turn to for guidance and support.
Guiding Your Teen in Healthy Relationships
Helping teens understand dating and relationships early can set the stage for safe, respectful connections. Here’s how parents can guide them effectively:
- 1. Reflect on Your Own Values
Before talking to your teen, consider your own beliefs:
- How should people behave when they disagree?
- How are decisions made fairly in a relationship?
- What does an equal partnership look like to you?
2. Reveal the “Rules of Dating”
- Share clear examples of appropriate and inappropriate behavior.
- Your guidance helps teens form healthy expectations instead of relying on peers or media.
3. Be Honest About the Good and Bad
Support your teen’s positive expectations while being realistic about potential problems.
Make it clear that controlling or abusive behavior is never acceptable.
4. Teach Assertiveness
- Encourage expressing opinions and desires clearly.
- Teach listening skills and accountability for actions.
- Emphasize assertiveness, not aggressiveness.
5. Teach Emotional Management
Show techniques like deep breathing, counting backward from ten, or walking away to calm down.
6. Teach Problem-Solving Skills
Encourage examining situations, considering causes, exploring solutions, and discussing consequences without blaming.
7. Teach Negotiation
- Explain that compromise and taking turns are positive.
- Emphasize that violence, threats, or insults are never part of respectful negotiation.
8. Explain the “Danger Zone”
- Help teens recognize controlling or abusive behaviors.
- Any incident of abuse is a red flag and may escalate if not addressed.
9. Promote Transparency
- Secrecy that isolates teens from friends or family can signal manipulation.
- Teach that being strong means seeking help from trusted adults—parents, teachers, or authorities.
- If a teen feels they must lie to friends or family, it’s a warning sign something is wrong.
Be the ultimate role model. Teens learn by observing those around them, especially their parents. It is critical that you respect yourself, your partner and other people.
What are the Warning Signs?
Your teen may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
- Apologizes for and excuses their partner’s behavior.
- Loses interest in activities that s/he used to enjoy—focuses on being with their partner and making him/her happy.
- Stops seeing friends & family members and becomes more and more isolated—her/his partner is resistant to spend time with you and the family.
- When with partner, is called names and put down in front of other people.
- His/Her partner is extremely jealous of others who pay attention to your teen, especially members of the opposite sex.
- Is told by his/her partner that you (the parents) don’t like him/her.
- Her/His partner controls your teen’s behavior, checking up constantly, calling, texting, demands to know who s/he has been with, etc.
- Casually mentions partner’s controlling/abusive behavior but laughs it off as a joke or minimizes it.
- You see her/his partner lose their temper, striking or breaking objects.
- Often has unexplained injuries, or explanations don’t make sense, may wear clothing or make-up to cover/conceal injuries.
*Adapted from The Liz Claiborne Women’s Work and from loveisnotabuse.com
If you would like more information about A Safe Place, please call our office Monday-Friday from 9am- 4:30pm at (847) 731-7165 or email us at info@asafeplaceforhelp.org.